A little holiday bitching...

I hate shopping. I don’t mean I mildly dislike it. I mean HATE…you know, the I’d rather knife myself in the eye than do this type of hatred. And it’s not just mall shopping that I hate. I hate ALL kinds of shopping. Hell, if not for my son, I probably wouldn’t even go to the grocery store as much as I do.

Today I had to face the evil of all shopping evils – the mall, 3 days before Christmas. For those of you who have missed my shopping escapades, I have some type of misadventure just about every time I go to the mall. I’ve sworn off EVER going to the VS semi-annual sale again, after almost getting my ass kicked over the most hideous thong ever created. (lemon-lime mesh lace up the back cheekies - HORRIBLE.) I refuse to go to the mall after Halloween because I hate the crowds.

But, for my darling husband, I braved the mall today. Being the good wife that I am (or maybe I was just struck by a moment of pure insanity), I offered to buy the holiday presents for his staff. I haven’t even gotten stuff for my own secretary and paralegals, but let’s put that one aside for the moment… The mall at lunchtime is a sea of cars as far as the eye can see. I found the one, lone parking spot left in the lot. Of course no one wanted it - it was in the middle of a solid sheet of ice. I turn slowly into the spot, hoping that I don’t skid into the SUVs on either side of the car and that my breaks don’t lock up, sending me careening into the Chevy parked in front of me.

I step out of the car and immediately lose my footing, practically toppling into another car. Though I could be in better shoes for this trek, I’m immediately grateful that I opted against the 4 ½ inch heels that I almost slid my feet into this morning. Taking baby steps, I slowly make my way across the glacier I’m parked on until I safely reach the street. (I wanted to embellish the story here to say that I slipped, fell on my ass and broke the heel on my shoe – but why lie just for the sake of humor. Besides it's NOT funny when you break your heel. It's not like the heel completely snaps off like in the Mentos commercials...It hangs there, partially dangling and partially still attached by screws. But I digress...).

My paralegal loves tea, so I figured I could score a good gift for her in Teavana, but the second I entered the store, the perfume-y scents made my head ache. I immediately turned around and went to Godiva. Too many people. On to another store, which had the worst music blaring from its speakers. With my head already throbbing from the tea leaves, I was done with that place. (This is part of why hubby loves me. I shop like a guy) I decided to enter the store of my former employer for a whopping 3 days – bath and body works – in hopes of finding something fast, cheap and suitable there.

SCORE! I loaded up my arms with baskets and boxes and trudged to the front of the store, where some obnoxious woman refused to move an inch to allow me to put my stuff down on the counter as I stagger under the weight of my purchases. I smacked the dumb ass with my bags as hard as I could without being accused of assault when I was done.

But I managed to forget one of the people I needed to shop for. So I quickly dove in line at Lindt and snagged some candy, because who doesn't want to add to the size of their waistline to celebrate the holidays? And I groaned as I had to turn down the offer of free chocolate while I waited in line. Do you have ANY idea how hard it is to have to refuse all things sugar and fruit at the holidays? EVERYTHING is sugar and fruit!

I leave the store, trying not to over my purchases, realizing for the first time that I spent my entire lunch shopping and not eating. My stomach began grumbling loudly in protest. But who has time for food? My break was over. I'd shopped for hubby, but done nothing for myself. Since I managed to roll into work an hour late this morning, I couldn't turn this into a 2 hour lunch. Which meant the thrill of shopping after work with the little guy.

He did okay at first, placated with a bag of yogurt melts and happily commanding me around the store, pointing and shouting "GO THAT WAY!" at the top of his lungs. But then I made the strategic miscalculation of walking past the cupcakes (I had to - the little guy deserves to celebrate his birthday with his class, with cupcakes like everyone else - even if he does have to do it the day before his actual birthday) and he proceeded to scream bloody murder because he wanted a cupcake. Then he wanted animal crackers. And so I became "that mom" cruising around the store with a kid in full on melt down mode.

Mercifully, I got us back into the car an hour later. Of course, I could barely stand after all the walking in my boots. Andrew insisted on listening to the same song over and over again on the way home. He didn't want to get out of the car without pushing every single button in my car and stopping to eat snow every 2 inches between the car and our house.

It's a few hours later and he's finally asleep. I now have to go make about 6 trips out to the car to bring everything inside, assemble my gifts and hubby's and lug them back out to our respective cars.

BAH HUMBUG

I mean...happy holidays everyone.