happy new year

I still haven't unpacked my bags and am chasing Andrew up and down the stairs so no time for a long post.

Just wanted to wish you all a happy and healthy new year.

The Other Celebration

I honestly don't know what people do on Christmas Eve. You know, the people who actually celebrate Christmas... My whole life, this night has been the same as most Jews everywhere - Chinese food and a movie - because that's the only stuff that's open for us!

This year, however, while the rest of you were doing Christmas Eve your way, we were holding the other celebration tonight. We have a new tradition you see... Christmas Eve means birthday party now.

Everyone just left from celebrating Andrew's first birthday. He finally conked out after spending the last hour crashing from a nasty sugar high. He was hysterical demolishing his birthday cake, throwing it everywhere and smashing it into his face.

Merry Christmas to you and your family. And a very happy birthday to my little guy :)

malls suck

I'm missing whatever girly girl gene is supposed to make me start planning every detail of my future wedding by age 5 and name all of my future children by 7. If makeup weren't part of the required uniform, I'd never wear it. And I really hate shopping.

I try to avoid the mall whenever possible. The teenie boppers annoy me. The people working at the kiosks need to stop trying to sell hair straighteners, fake hair and "as seen on tv" products. And the people with the horrible smelling perfumes - wouldn't the world be a better place without these women spritzing obnoxious odors in your face? As a rule, I don't go anywhere near the mall the entire month of December.

Except this year...

With everything that's happened the past 2 months, I ran out of time to do my shopping. Online purchases will no longer reach me by tomorrow when the family is getting together to exchange gifts... I had to brave the mall.

So I headed out and began cursing my procrastination immediately upon entering the parking lot. There wasn't a single spot anywhere. Even across the street at the typically empty Dick's Sporting Goods. After circling the mall, hunting poor shoppers and stalking them to their parking spaces for 20 minutes, I broke down and attempted to valet my car. $8 to park your car at the damn mall is outrageous. I would have paid it - but they were full. I had to park down the hill and take a freaking BUS to the stores.

The mall was full of last minute shoppers. Don't these people have to work????

I fought my way through the crowds to the Children's Place. Honestly, I just needed some socks. But one look at the line wrapped half way out the door, I knew I couldn't wait 25 minutes for socks. I quickly scanned the store to see if anything truly unnecessary caught my eye. I scooped up a couple outfits and waited impatiently to make my way to the front of the line. As I stood there, 5 women attempted to cut in front of me ("oh! I didn't realize you were on line") and 3 people slammed into me then yelled at ME for getting in their way.

Thirty minutes later, I was off to the toy store to find birthday presents for my boy. Poor kid has his birthday Christmas Eve so even at age 1, he can't be screwed by not getting enough stuff for either the holidays or his birthday. Our mall has a Kaybee toys - which is going out of business - so the place was mobbed! I actually had a woman stomp on my foot and grab an "Elmo Live" doll out of my hands.

Only the fear of calling my boss from jail to come bail me out kept me from punching that cow.

My head was throbbing from listening to the blaring Christmas music. I was hobbling through the stores after being stomped on. And I still didn't find anything I needed.

I left the mall totally defeated and virtually empty handed.

Bah humbug!

frost bite

It is so cold in here that I think I'm getting frost bite. I haven't been able to feel my fingers in an hour and I can see my breath as I type this. It's absolutely frigid outside but I think it's actually warmer out there than it is in here.

I'm all for little cost saving measures so that we can get our bonus checks this year... but skimping on the heat isn't one of the more brilliant ideas.

I'm turning into an icicle. If you don't hear from me for a couple days, send someone to my office to thaw me out.

the office

This shirt has nothing to do with the post - I just think it's funny. My friend actually wore it to an interview. Yes, she got the job.

I haven't worked a full week since the end of October. Even with these short weeks, there still is no shortage of things that drive me crazy at the office.

Here are just a few of my complaints this week:

I'm split between 2 secretaries...who also work for 5 other people. This makes no sense. It also makes no sense that with 2 people covering my calls and my calendar, I have missed more appointments, phone calls and messages than anyone else in the office.

Last week, I asked a certain someone to send out a letter. It had already been typed, signed and the envelopes were done. Instead of sending it out, she put the letter on someone else's desk where it sat for 5 days until they came in again. Now, I don't ask a lot of my staff, but COME ON! How lazy can you possibly be? Or how stupid? Did she really think I wouldn't find out?

People who spend all day making personal phone calls drive me crazy. (First, see above.) And I mean ALL DAY LONG. From the moment they walk through the door to the second they leave at night. By the way, someone should be more discrete. I know who you're talking to. And I don't think your husband would approve.

3 stalls and 95 women... you do the math. this just doesn't work!

The self review. Why make me engage in this pre-review torture? My opinion doesn't count. If it did, you'd ask me questions that are actually relevant to who I am and what I do. My review isn't even with the guys in my department - you know, the ones who actually work with me. I don't even think those guys weigh in on my review. So why bother?

You know how you go to college and gain the freshman 15? Yeah, my office is kind of like that too. Forget about trying to lose weight when you work here, it's impossible not to gain a ton of weight with all the crap people are always bringing in. And you can't avoid it. Even if you stay away from the kitchen, the stuff sneaks its way into your office anyway.

The people in the mailroom are LAZY. They give me all the mail for everyone who's name starts with the letter J. Is it really that hard to take 2 seconds to read the full name? Despite what they think, Jaime, Jim, Jay and Jules really are 4 different people. Stop wasting my time. I can't bill for reading their mail...

And my personal favorite: The powers that be decided that we're all so untrustworthy that they are going to run credit checks on us twice a year. Yeah...can someone please tell me how intruding into my personal finances has any correlation to the likelihood that I'm going to rip off my clients by stealing from the trust account? or why these credit checks would serve as more of a deterrant than, i don't know, the loss of my license to practice?

Let's Do It Again

We now take a break from our regularly scheduled programming to bring you Round 2 of Secret Santa Can Suck It! brought to you by our host, Bee, and starring yours truly...at least on this page.

Just give me a moment to slip into my Santa hat and boots so I can properly get into character.

Ahh...Much better.

Today's recipient is (drum roll please) Queen Goob!

Let's see what's waiting for you inside Santa's bag of tricks




Santa has been very generous this year and there are lots of presents with your name on them.

It looks like Santa stole these from VE - but he probably won't mind if you wear them for awhile.

Sexy? Or tacky? Either way, it's from one of my favorite Christmas movies and now it's all yours!

A mooning Santa? He must really like you...

This may look like an unassuming candle but when you finish burning it to the ground, The Money Tree really contains money.

And finally, for your use next year -or this year if you act fast- someone to clean, decorate the house, put up the Christmas tree...

do all your holiday shopping (on their dime, of course) and wrap all your presents.

Merry Christmas

Vacation

My eyes are closed...I'm taking deep breaths...I'm trying to picture myself in this beautiful setting. (this was the view from the lobby of my hotel on my honeymoon in case you were wondering)

It's not working.

After hubby and I got married, his parents decided that instead of wasting money on presents that no one really wanted in the first place, we would all get together and take a trip somewhere. Nice idea - really nice idea - in theory. In practice, well, that's another story.

My family plans. We're organized. We make all necessary arrangements months in advance. Reservations are made, we have tickets to whatever activities we want to partake in and we've made plans to see everyone we want to see. You may call this being anal - whatever it is, it helps us relax knowing that when we finally get on vacation, we don't have to worry about a thing and can just unwind.

His family...well, they're from Maine. And if you know any Mainers, you understand completely. If you don't, Mainers are the most laid back, indecisive, trust the force type of folks out there.

I suppose neither way is right or wrong. But it's like we're from two different planets sometimes.

Next week we're heading off to Florida.

And I am so stressed over everything that isn't done yet. We're a party of 15 and don't have dinner reservations for Christmas. Even if it wasn't Christmas, don't you think with having a young kid and a party that huge reservations are kind of a requirement? We don't know how we're getting to and from the airport. They don't even know when the flights are. And they won't tell me when they're making it down to Jersey next week so I can plan my son's birthday party around their arrival because they will be pissed if they miss a second of the action.

Maybe you're reading this thinking, "Jaime - you're the planner. Just step in and get things done." Believe me, I've wanted to hijack control of this trip. I could have had everything planned, arranged and set in a couple hours. I'd be relaxed knowing I had taken care of all the details and they'd be happy because they could sit back and not plan anything...

The answer is simple: I'm not allowed.

Everything will eventually get done - in the most backwards way possible - and we'll have a good time. I just have to keep reminding myself to take a lesson from them and trust the force...

...and drink - heavily

Bananas are Evil

Stupid bananas!

I'm allergic to them. Always have been. No one believes me when I say this because "NO ONE is allergic to bananas." I avoid the damn things like the plague.

The last time I touched one was during 12th grade home ec. My kitchen partners were cutting so it was just me and a recipe for banana bread. I asked to team up with another group. My teacher said no. I explained I'd spike a fever and break out in hives if she made me work with bananas. "That's rediculous! No one is allergic to bananas." Then she threatned to fail me if I didn't get in the kitchen and start baking.

So I did. And, despite my best efforts to keep the fruit away from my flesh, an hour later I was burning up and covered in angry red splotches. I took great pleasure going to my teacher's last class of the day, interrupting the lecture with an "I told you so!" while displaying my arms -which by now were covered in the biggest hives you've ever seen.

She gave me an A.

Anyway...I think I had a point here somewhere...

My son loves bananas. He would eat them every day if he could. Hubby takes over the feeding responsibilities when banana is on the menu. Except today because he was working.

I didn't really think about it as I reached for the box of oatmeal, forgetting it contained bananas. (In my defense, it was the only box of cereal left in the house as hubby forgot to go shopping this week.) Andrew decided it was time to try feeding himself and grabbed the spoon, flinging oatmeal all over the kitchen and all over me. He thought it was hysterical and I did too at the time.

Until about an hour ago. That was when the itching started. I am now covered head to toe in ugly banana blotches. Seeing them makes me even itchier.

To make matters just a little worse, my legs got it the worst and all my pant suits are at the dry cleaner. Every last one of them. I am going to look rediculous in court tomorrow.

The Public Defender's Tale

I’ve been alternating between 2 briefs since I got to work at 7:30 this morning. One was a total surprise because - silly me - I assumed when I wasn’t asked to work on it, it was under control and not completely forgotten. I haven’t had more than a 30 second break all day and meals so far consisted of a bottle of water and 2 clementines at my desk.

I'm more than a little punchy and can barely keep my eyes open. So, in this totally delirious state, I give you the Public Defender's tale based upon my time at the PD’s office. Yeah, kind of like the Canterbury Tales, but Chaucer I'm not…

We begin the day with a groan and a sigh,
Representing a man who stabbed another in the thigh.
The action was truly justified –
The victim tried to steal some chicken and fries...

Then off to Femia to put through a plea
Everyone wants this judge, you see.
Time served is the sentece imposed on the masses
Femia makes the cops look like such asses.

Oh good a new VOP comes through the door
Violated his parole looking to score
From an ON DUTY cop! what was he thinking?
Could it be he had done too much drinking?

He wasn’t too smart, let me tell you
Robbed a store then hit on the cashier – it’s true!
He left his phone number and asked for a date
Aren’t our clients truly first rate?

Believe it or not we got kicked out of court
I couldn’t help it - we tried not to snort
But the VW Thing was filled full of bongs,
50 POUNDS of pot and multi-colored thongs!

The prosecutor was cocky, too much so
Didn't establish jurisdiction – a big no no
The case was dismissed and the client went free
Only to rob the WaWa by 3

And then there’s the men I didn’t want to face
They claimed that consent was their saving grace
But when you’re 42 and she’s 13
WHAT WERE YOU THINKING – she’s a baby, a juvie, a tween!

The judge and lawyers showed their age
When they didn’t know Everclear was all the rage
It fell to me to explain this mysterious drink
The judge and jury didn’t know what to think

Donuts were fines in juvie land
And t-shirts with logos were firmly banned

Client showed up hammered and smelling something foul
Passed out, snoring loud and then over he fell (yeah...I couldn't think of a rhyme for foul)
The judge freaked and called for medical attention
No pleas for the wasted was his intention

The summer ended with a 2 week trial
The office was so in denial
Our client was going to go down in flames
Hope was one juror who caught onto the games
She knew the vic was lying – like me, she could see
And almost caused a hung jury

The judge was biased – who was he fooling
No objection was made – but he was still ruling!

Justice in action, that’s what we got to see
The 5 little interns of the county’s PD.

secret santa can suck it

I loved Bee's idea to do this Santa Can Suck It swap! Then I actually had to find the perfect picture for my gift. Such pressure! Where am I going to track down something truly bizarre as a gag gift? Do I scrap the idea of being humorous and just find a picture of something I'd like? Or maybe I should actually try to figure out something she'd want? I don't know her - so that might be a bit challenging...

So after much deliberation and truly embarrassing amounts of time trying to post these pics, Tracy, this gift's for you:

Since you can't look inside, you don't see that it contains a subscription to Bag Borrow or Steal so you can have unlimited purses available to you without having to visit the mall during the holidays.

But this is a deceptively small purse... It also holds:

Who doesn't need a pooping santa candy dispenser?

And doesn't everyone need portable mistletoe?

And this since it's one of your favorite smells.

Enjoy!

Thank you sir, may I have another

The beatings are part of the job. And on my side of the letterhead, you better get good at taking your licks - whether they're deserved or not. You learn to keep your mouth shut, endure the blows silently and retreat to your office to nurse your wounds behind closed doors.

The most legitimate of defenses don't matter when your punishment is being doled out - your mom could be in the hospital, you could have done exactly what you were told to do, the building could have been hit by lightening erasing the 65 page brief you had worked for a month on... In that moment, the only words that matter are, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again."

I've choked out those words while the blows fell fast and furious. I've held back tears of frustration at a situation so patently unfair and stupid that I just wanted to scream. And I've taken the beatings that more properly belonged to someone else.

Today was one of those days.

It wasn't my fault. I answered the question based on my personal knowledge and when I was asked to verify that answer with the others who work this file, I did as I was asked. But I was the one who represented that we didn't have certain documents, documents I never saw, never reviewed and was told by 2 other people didn't exist.

This statement proved to be untrue. No harm done really. We found the docs an hour later and our expert is too busy right now trying to go on vacation to go through these 500 pages of daily reports.

But I misrepresented the state of our file and how could I not know what was there in 100,000 pages of stuff that we've billed the client so much money to go through? Blah, blah, blah...

I'm sorry...It won't happen again.

I come back to my office, close the door and say the words I've uttered far too many times in the past "Thank you sir, may I have another."

Just another fun-filled day at the office...

"Really bad luck???"

So today, after 17 doctor's appointments, 5 trips to the radiologist, 6 days in the hospital, 4 specialists, 1 CT scan, 2 xrays, 4 ultrasounds and untold amounts of stress on mom and dad...we learned that the mass on Andrew's kidney is completely gone and this is the healthiest looking kid they've ever seen.

While part of me is frustrated that there's no diagnosis other than the inexplicable "It was really bad luck," I am thrilled. And hopefully we can finally put this behind us...after next week's CT scan and visit to yet another doctor.

Top 10

Things I'll never understand about men

1. Why you have to be dead or dying before you will go to the doctor

2. Why you can't stop and ask for directions when you're lost

3. Why you always touch yourself in public

4. Why you don't put the toilet seat down

5. Why you feel the need to hold an entire conversation with my breasts instead of looking in my eyes

6. Why won't you ever admit to being wrong...even when it's obvious that you are

7. Why you wear black socks and sandals

8. Why you name your dick

9. Why you think foreplay consists of removing your pants

10. Why you have an amazing recollection for baseball stats, every detail about cars you'll never own or drive, and every movie where you'll see any portion of Jessica Alba naked...but can't remember a simple little thing like our anniversary?

help YOU help you

No sooner than I hit "publish post" on my last entry, the phone rang. And the ritual of being asked for free legal advice continues...

I feel badly for her. I really do. She has this on again, off again relationship with this guy who broke up with her after 8 months because she's a Jew and a Democrat. (have you ever heard anything so stupid?) She's having trouble at work because the office slut wants to sleep with her boyfriend and so she keeps filing false harassment claims with HR in attempts to get my friend fired. (yet another reason not to date people from the office...)

HR's brilliant solution to this problem is to confine my friend to her office and not permit her to go over onto the other side of the building where the slut works. Okay...stupid fix...especially since it's affecting her ability to meet deadlines when she needs information from the other side of the office and can't get to it. And to make matters worse, the whole situation has given her a couple ulcers.

Like I said, I do feel badly for her. And, while I'm not a violent person, I want nothing more than to head over to that office and beat the crap out of this little twit who's torturing my friend. But it's not my fight.

I spent the last 20 minutes trying to convince her that she's been a good kid, played by the rules, gone through appropriate channels to correct this situation. It's not working.

Yes, she's being harassed. Yes, she's a victim. I know a little something about this myself... And so I am completely justified in saying: STOP ACTING LIKE ONE.

Do something - anything. Quit. Fight back. Go to the head of the company - he's a family friend and all. Do you really think that he'd let this continue if he knew what was going on? But do yourself a favor and stop acting like a victim.

I stumbled over a blog the other day where this girl got her heart broken...and as revenge against all men everywhere, she claims to have started picking up men in bars, bringing them home, only to stab them in the balls or tazer their genitals. (No, I have no idea if this is f0r real) Now I don't advocate this. At all. It's more than a little extreme, completely twisted, wrong and just plain illegal.

But I suppose my point and the moral of the story is: when the people who are supposed to protect you aren't, a little action is warranted. Help you help yourself. You'll feel a lot better once you do.

help me help you

I'm part of the most arrogant profession in the world. Litigators are the most obnoxious of our breed. I'm not sure at what point we all lose our civility or our ability to just talk to people instead of constantly posturing and sniping at each other.

In stark contrast, my dad has repeatedly told me "I'm no better than anyone else just because I went to law school...Maybe I would have been a carpenter if I were any good with my hands." I try to remember this every day as I feel the need to lash out at the idiot on the other end of the phone.

The largest part of my job is to make other people look good. Although I write the briefs, they go out under the partner's signature. It has to be a damn good brief so they look good arguing my words, my winning points.

I not only need to be on top of my own work, but the theirs as well. Anticipate their needs, their tasks, their fires so that they never actually become emergencies.

And so I feel badly for other associates - even ones who are my adversaries - when I see them drowning or thrown into a file and just have no clue what's going on. I've been there. It wasn't that long ago. Because of this, I try to throw them a bone when I can... I have particular empathy for the law clerks, fresh out of law school, completely overwhelmed trying to learn the law, the court system, the motion calendar and try to keep up with the never ending stream of stuff overflowing across their desk. I go out of my way to help those guys. Half the time I end up giving them the answer when I've called to ask the question.

But some days I just want to scream HELP ME HELP YOU! (Very Jerry Maguire, I know)

When I call to tell you that you've scheduled motions in the same case for 9 am and 2 pm on the same day, return my freaking phone call. I'm trying to prevent you from getting yelled at tomorrow by your judge, in open court, on the record when he realizes what you've done. When I remind you that for a YEAR you haven't responded to my discovery demands and I'm about to send a nasty letter to your partner so we can finally move the case forward, get me the docs that have been sitting on your chair for 6 months. I know you're going to get yelled at for neglecting the file. I really want to save you the beating.

And when I call to say "you want to resolve this issue...now" you may want to listen. I do have your best interests at heart. I have no objection to burying you in paper for the next two years. But when you can resolve things for minimal money or with minimal effort - do us both a favor... help me help you

sweet dreams

Things are crazy, a bit too crazy right now for my liking. But if I stop for a minute and close my eyes, like magic I'm swinging on my favorite hammock on my favorite beach. The sky is scarlet and gold as the sun sets over the water. I can hear the waves crashing, smell the hibiscus and feel the wind in my hair.

No stress. No illness. No work. Nothing to stop my enjoyment of this perfect moment.

As I open my eyes, there's a smile on my face. I've finally remembered that even though I'm at work and not on that beach, I can retreat there whenever I want for a few more perfect moments before jumping back into the fray.

And some days, that makes all the difference.

it's a curse

For as long as I can remember, my mom has called my dad superman. She doesn't mean it as a compliment. In fact, she calls it the family curse. We're a bunch of ambitious, overachievers, trying to single-handedly take on the world. And we dont need any help from anyone, anytime, anywhere, thank you very much.

I have the superman curse too and was well on my way to total world domination...until Christmas Eve last year. Because that's when I found my kryptonite:

This is Andrew and he is the center of my world. (Isn't he the cutest lion ever?) He has had me wrapped around his little finger from day one. He is such a good baby...so happy...so sweet...

And recently, so sick. I'm not going to rehash the past month of visits to the ER, doctors, radiologists, oncologists, hemotologists and the week long stint in the hospital. (If you really want to know the story, read my entries from last month.)

We thought things were finally getting better. Even yesterday, although there's now something else wrong, the infections all appeared to be under control because he's not running a fever.

Until this afternoon.

I could hear him crying from the parking lot. One look at him and you can see he's so miserable. He's burning up. He won't eat. Won't drink.

It breaks my heart to see him like this. I would do anything, give anything for someone to finally figure out what's wrong with him so he can finally get better.

This "superman" doesn't know how much more of this she can take!

Tag!

I've been tagged.

Before we begin, you should know that technology and I do not get along. But thanks to Brad at Diaries of the Professor, I've been forced to learn how to post pictures and how to link to other web pages. You have NO IDEA how long this took me to figure out. Don't ask... It's truly embarrassing.

Now for the rules:

First, Link the person who tagged you.
Then post the rules on your blog.
Next, share seven random or weird facts about yourself
Then, tag 7 random people and include links to their blogs.
Finally, let each person you've tagged know about it by commenting on their blogs.

7 Random Things About Me:

1. I wrote my first book at summer camp when I was 12. It was a Christopher Pike-type mystery. Not half bad for a kid. I wrote my second one in high school. It was a piece of historical fiction about Belle Starr the bandit queen of the old west. I'm waiting for inspiration to strike for book number 3.

2. I founded my school's law review. People find this impressive. I'm more modest about it. Particularly because for an editor-in-chief, I have amazingly bad grammar and spelling...

3. I am deathly afraid of bees and will break out in hives if I touch a banana.

4. My favorite place in the world is the hammock on the beach of Paradise Island's sketchiest hotel - the holiday inn sunspree.

5. Panty lines drive me crazy. If you are wearing tight pants or a form fitting skirt, do everyone a favor and invest in a thong. This is the one bitchy sorority girl thing I've held on to post-graduation. And yes, this was a totally valid reason to cut you during rush. We really were that shallow.

6. I failed parallel parking on my driving test. I haven't really attempted it since.

7. I'm a glutton for punishment. Twice a week I work out with a personal trainer. They kick my ass and I love it. Two days later and my arms are still stiff and my legs and stomach ache. Supposedly they torture me extra hard because they like me. I find this hard to believe, but I might as well get my money's worth, right?

Now for the tagging:

Just a Girl

Vodka Mom

Mo

VE

You're it.

random thoughts

I'm wearing a white shirt, brown skirt and brown boots. WHAT is so wrong with this outfit that the fashion police are raising eyebrows when I walk through the kitchen? My top isn't too low cut. It's not too tight. My skirt doesn't reveal half my ass and my thong isn't sticking out. What is the problem here?

Like there isn't enough wrong with my poor baby, today we get to add broncheolitis to the list. (I can't spell it nor can I pronounce it). If we're lucky, this stays a bad cough and runny nose for 10 days. If things remain true to form, Andrew will start wheezing, we'll have to put him on nebulizer treatments and this will turn into bronchitis. And how does this even happen? My boy is tanked up on so many antibiotics, he should be the healthiest kid ever!

I really need to get away. Just for a day. One day where I don't have to take care of everyone and everything. I doubt it will ever happen.

I don't know how I'm going to survive two whole weeks with the inlaws at the end of the month. Maybe I'll plan to run away then and there will be plenty of people around to help hubby with Andrew. Hmm... this idea may have potential.

I cannot force myself to work today. My desk is covered in stacks of papers 8 inches high and I cannot bring myself to work on any of it. Hell, I'm down 130-some odd hours from last month. There's no way for me to make all that time up. Why try?

did you hear the screaming?

Just a few minutes ago, it became morning in New Zealand. My clients arrived in their office, ready to start the day and plan next year's vintage. As they turn on their computers, waiting for them in their inbox was an email from their favorite American attorney they hoped never to speak to again.

And the email brought such good news.

After spending a mill on this case between legal fees and the settlement funds and although their case settled months ago, funds changed hands and there are full mutual releases - they will have to incur more legal fees to fight over two $6,000 invoices the other side previously agreed to pay.

If you heard the banshee wails like we did here in Freehold, those were my boys in New Zealand...THRILLED at the good news I brought them this fine Tuesday morning.