Insanity

It's the last day of the month. Know what that means? It's the mad rush to get in all the billable hours possible before it's too late. You can't start the year in the hole, particularly since it's mathmatically impossible to make your hours in February unless you give up little things like food, sleep and ever leaving the office...

I'm drowning in work and had to skip my work out this morning to crank out a brief. So I thought I would leave you with these tips for maintaining a healthy level of insanity in your own life:

At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. Laugh as they slow down thinking you're a cop.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Every time anyone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone gets over their caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Skip down the hall rather than walk and see how many strange looks you get.

Order a "diet water" when you go out to eat

Sing along at the opera.

Specify your drive-through order is "to go"

Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't go to their party because you have a headache.

When money comes out of the ATM, scream "I WON! I WON!"

When leaving the zoo, run toward the parking lot as you yell "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THEY'RE LOOSE!"

Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

The Old Boys Club

For a long time, all lawyers were men. Although now they've let us women into the club, we're still in the distinct minority. Particularly if you deal in the realm of litigation...

For some reason, the men of this fine profession think that you're some how less of a lawyer simply because you have breasts instead of a cock. I'm not sure of the correlation here. Since when does chest hair equate to the ability to persuasively argue a point? Do balls give men superior brief writing abilities? On what planet does your penis mean that you're a better attorney then me?

I can thump chests with the best of them. I don't need an overabundance of ego caused by too much testosterone for that. Don't let my sugary sweet attitude and ever present smile fool you. I can go for the jugular and I'll take pleasure ripping you to shreds.

We passed the same bar exam. Actually, I've probably passed more bar exams than most. (Hey, why stop at one when you can collect bar memberships like people collect stamps or coins or whatever else people collect?) I'm entitled to some respect.

Don't ever - EVER - call me dear. (Or sweetie, hon or little girl) It's the one sure way to piss me off. It takes a lot to get me mad and you don't want to see me that way.

Whew!

I feel so much better now that that's off my chest. It was such a good day too before that phone call.

I usually deal with nice, normal people - even my adversaries. All the looney toons appear at once though. I think I've dealt with all the whack jobs now. I should have something else to write about by Monday.

bad bad girl

Did you know I'm a bad, bad girl?

Actually, I'm worse than that. Let me try to get this right: I'm an evil obstructionist bitch with a bad attitude, whose gamesmanship has needlessly cost thousands of dollars in litigation costs because I play fast and loose with the rules. Oh wait - there's more. I also intentionally duped my adversary into signing the wrong stipulation because I knew she was far too busy to actually read the document she was signing so I unethically, maliciously and immorally put the wrong one in front of her.

SERIOUSLY?

She actually put this ridiculousness in a letter to the judge. Right before asking the court to ORDER ME to respond to a motion where I no longer represent the client.

I see her letterhead and cringe, knowing that yet another attack on my character is coming. I used to get upset about it but now it's almost comical. She accuses me of not playing by the rules when she doesn't even know what the rules are. Hopefully this motion gets before the judge before he retires so he can smack her around.

Does she really think she's going to get anywhere by telling the court I'm a bad bad girl?

I love it

(Admit it - this totally was not what you thought this post would be about. get your minds out of the gutter!)

What a Girl Needs

I want a lot of stuff. More money. A bigger house. A car with air in the tires. My son to always be happy and healthy. The ability to eat whatever I want and never gain weight.

This stuff would be nice but I don't need most of it.

I was reading Jen's blog over the weekend and she ran a Google search on herself to see what it said she needed. She came up with some funny stuff so I decided to give it a shot. Here's what Google says I need:

Jaime needs no further introduction
Hmm... Okay, I guess we're off to a decent start here.

Jaime needs to grow up and stop making those horrible faces
I didn't realize that Google was spying on me. But you should have seen some of the faces I was making today while I was dealing with idiots, listening to a guy almost get arrested while talking on the phone to me and answering endless questions every 30 seconds. It's a good thing my face didn't free like that!

Jaime needs to change her facebook picture
I don't think so! I like my current picture - Andrew playing on the beach down in Florida. It makes me smile every time I see it.

No one ever spells my name right. I once had a teacher spell my name differently every day for a month. I never knew there were so many different variations of Jaime... But I decided to try out a few different spellings to see what else Google thought I needed.

Jamie needs a kid
Um...not so much. This Jaime has her hands full already with Andrew! Maybe in a few years.

Jamie needs a haircut
Why yes, yes I do. How did Google know?

Jayme needs the weekend to catch up on sleep
HELL YEAH! I need that even more than I need a haircut. It's sad that I'm looking forward to 3 days in Boston for work just so I can catch a full night of sleep!

Jayme needs to get laid by Brad Pitt
Well now Google's gone and made me blush...Not like this one would ever happen, but I wouldn't throw Brad out of my bed!

Jaimie needs an iPhone Twitter app
HUH? Is that even English?

Jaimie needs to be aroused by something/someone...
Mr. Google, now you are just out of line. I don't need you telling me what I need in that department.

Okay, the rest of the line was actually "who challenges Jaimie’s willingness to deploy a wonderful, faithful set of Christian values in the real world outside." But it sounded so much better my way, don't you think?

the wedding

Before I get started, grandpa is now in recovery. Was awake for about 30 seconds - long enough to laugh at everyone's worried faces and tell them to stop freaking out, he's fine. I can totally picture him laughing saying this before passing out again to sleep off the anesthesia. We haven't heard from the surgeon yet but things seem good. Thanks for the well wishes and prayers. It meant a lot.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

I woke up Saturday morning with two thoughts in my head... The most immediate was "OWWW!" Andrew somehow made it into bed with us in the middle of the night (hubby has got to stop doing that) and woke me up by jumping on my stomach.

This thought was followed quickly by the realization that I had a wedding in less than 12 hours and still had nothing to wear.

Okay, so I had been putting off this moment. I had mixed feelings about the wedding. Yes, he's an old family friend. There's no way I wouldn't be there for him and his family. But he's also an old boyfriend and the really vain part of me wants to look damn good whenever I'm seeing an ex... I still don't have my pre-baby body back and when you're not loving your bod, do you really want to go out and buy new clothes for it? I certainly don't.

I dragged myself out of bed, pulled on sweats and headed out for my weekly Saturday morning torture. I'm working out with a new trainer. She kicked my ass last week. I was sore for like 4 days afterwards. (If you know me at all at this point, you know that this isn't really a complaint and that I loved every second of it.) True to form, she kicked my ass again.

Met hubby and munchkin for breakfast. Andrew ate everything in sight for an hour. This kid is a bottomless pit. Good thing he seems to have hubby's metabolism and looks like a string bean rather than a beach ball with legs.

I admitted defeat at the end of breakfast and made my way to the mall. (I still hate the mall, by the way.) I know. This was a stupid plan. I just worked out and ate breakfast before going shopping for a dress that I want to appear super skinny and totally hot in.

I walk into a store and quickly survey the place. This is how I shop: I look around and if nothing catches my eye, I'm out of there. I have no patience for browsing. Even less tolerance for trying stuff on. And, despite the fact that I worked retail for a horrific 3 days, sales people drive me crazy.

Still, the store was running a major sale and maybe I'd get lucky if I spent more than 30 seconds looking. The clerk approaches me, for the second time. I turn to her, trying to look sheepish as I roll my eyes. This time, she will help me. "I need something to wear to a black tie wedding. Tonight." Her jaw drops before she composes herself and rapidly begins to gather a slew of dresses, shoes and accessories for me to try on.

You know the real problem with speed shopping? You end up spending WAY too much money. I found a dress - the first one I tried on actually. Why I bothered slithering into the other 7 is beyond me. I found it. I liked it. It fit. SOLD! (Naturally, in a store full of things 30-70% off, I manage to find the one dress and pair of shoes that are full price)

Hubby forgot it was black tie. Oops. He would have blended quite well but for the blue shirt he decided to wear under the suit. It was his fault though. He neglected to obey the other cardinal rule of north Jersey weddings (Rule #1 - the gift always comes in envelope form, no boxes. Rule #2 - standard uniform if you're not wearing a tux: black suit, white dress shirt, blue tie).

We left Andrew with a babysitter for the first time. Apparently 20 minutes after we left, he realized we weren't coming right back. He ran to the door, threw both hands up against it and started wailing. Poor munchkin.

Actually, really poor munchkin. He was getting ready for bed and had started to drink his bottle when it slipped from his hands onto the floor. His best doggy friend Rosie was right there to catch it in her open jaws. The dog ate his freaking bottle! We got a phone call from the sitter, which threw all of us into a panic, until we heard this story and, through fits of hysterical laughter, talked her through where to find the bottle stash. (This could only happen with our kid, right?)

I struggled through the ceremony. I'm sorry but the pastor sounded EXACTLY like the priest from The Princess Bride. I kept leaning over to my family whispering, "Mawridge...That bwessed event that bwings us together today." Once I did it the first time, it was hard to stop going. I think I ran through the entire scene...twice...before the vows. It was a long ceremony.

They stole the band from our wedding - they were awesome, if I do say so myself! And maybe having the groom know me well wasn't such a bad thing afterall. He wouldn't let me leave until I assured him - twice - that I had fully partaken in the chocolate fountain. I impressed the table with my stellar knowledge of New Zealand wines. (Come on now... Don't you think after 3 years, I would have learned a bit about my client's business?) Then again, these guys were impressed by the fact that I knew which water glass was mine. Not really a tough crowd.

We cracked up at the old people on the dance floor. What isn't funny about watching an 80 year old woman bopping to I'm Bringing Sexy Back? Or the old man who seemingly has difficulty walking hopping up and down to Jump Around?

After awhile, we stopped worrying about how the baby was doing. We were finally out on our own, just Jaime and Brian. But by midnight, even the strongest espresso wasn't keeping us awake and we headed back to the house... Mr. Andrew decided to greet us at 3:45. He seemed genuinely surprised to find us there. He was so thrilled with this, that he wanted to babble exictedly to us for the next two hours.

Tell me that this kid is going to learn to sleep through the night... Soon, hopefully! I'm becoming a zombie.

monday morning freak out

I started writing this other post about all the comedy of errors that was my weekend. But I can't get through it.

Since I woke up this morning, there's only 1 thing on my mind:

Right now my 83 year old grandfather is undergoing quadruple bypass surgery. They're in hour three of his surgery. One more hour to go. And I am totally freaking out.

In my next life...

...I want to come back as the person who does programming for Bravo network. Can you think of an easier job?

Turn on the tv to this channel and on Mondays, they have an all day marathon of The Housewives of Orange County. Tuesdays it's all day of The Housewives of New York City. Wednesdays we have Top Chef. Thursdays The Housewives of Atlanta. Fridays, well, you get the point.

*sigh*

I know I'd be bored out of my mind after about 30 seconds on that job...but days like today, it's nice to think about doing something far slower, easier and absolutely mindless.

for me?

I got back from my lunchtime misadventures to find not one, but two blog awards waiting for me from Jen over at Because I Could Never Keep Up With a Diary.

The first is the New Year's Award.





Here are the rules. You must be a true lover of the New Year to receive this award. The person to whom you give the award must also be in love with the New Year. List 5 things that you love about the New Year. If you can't limit it to 5 things, then keep going till you run out of space.Pass the award along to as many people as you like. That can be 1 or 50. It's up to you! But keep the New Year cheer going. Let your recipients know that you have tagged them by leaving a comment on their site. Also, link back to the person who gave you the award.

What I love about the New Year:

Putting Andrew's illness and the horrible months of November and December firmly in the past!

New possibilities

That first perfect kiss when the clock strikes 12

If I'm lucky, a raise, a bonus and more vacation time

Actually putting that vacation time to good use :)



Next is the Honest Scrap award:








This time the rules are:
1) Choose a minimum of 7 blogs that you find brilliant in content or design
2) Show the 7 winners names and links on your blog and leave a comment informing them that they were prized with "Honest Scrap." Well, there's no prize, but they can keep the nifty icon
3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself

Okay... stuff about me:

1. I am oddly addicted to Mob Wars on Facebook. Some jerk put a hit out on me this morning. I guess he didn't like when I punched him in the face... Some people take this stuff so seriously.

2. My son will soon have more money in his savings account than I do. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing...

3. I drove a cute little Saturn in college. It permanently screwed up my back.

4. I can't drive past the Molly Pitcher rest stop on the Turnpike without smiling.

5. I met George Steinbrenner on an airplane heading down to Florida when I was a kid. He found out I liked the Yankees and promised to get me an autograph from my favorite player. Two weeks later, I got a signed ball from Dave Righetti. (Ah...the days before the owners were such PIGS!)

6. I have the best secretary, even though she's forcing me to dictate and speaks to hubby more than I do. We pretend that she's his girlfriend. She makes me look good, as long as I bring her vanilla milk shakes from Jersey Freeze when she's having a bad day.

7. I hate wearing glasses but the idea of sticking my fingers in my eyes to put in contacts freaks me out.

8. I'm going to spend a lovely, terribly romantic valentines day driving back from a conference in Boston. Nice, huh? But the idea of being alone on valentines day would suck worse than being trapped in the car with one of my coworkers for 5 hours.

9. I read the entire Twilight series in a week. Maybe that's why I'm so tired.

10. I have a bad habit of missing the best baseball games. I missed 2 perfect games. And I was at my pledge retreat being hazed while the Yanks were winning the '96 world series. Not that I'm bitter about it or anything...


So I now have the pleasure of passing these awards on to:

Idiot Girl in Action
Diaries of the Professor
Yet Another Day in Paradise
I Barely Survived Yesterday and It Is Already Today
Wit's Bitch
Cup of Snarky
VE's Fantastical Nonsense

Thanks Jen!

and it's only 1:00...

It's been a day. And it's only 1:00...

Andrew's been on this awful waking up at 4 am jag recently. It's killing me. Last night I was so exhausted, I was in bed by 9. Of course, I was still up for hours beyond that freaking out about the mass quantities of work piling up on my desk by the second. Remind me to keep my mouth shut the next time I'm getting low on assignments!

Andrew was up and ready to go by 4:30. Hubby slept through the early wake up call, leaving me to watch the munchkin. Maybe he thought it was my turn because Andrew got up at the crack of 11 - while hubby was still awake - and immediately went back to sleep the second he was picked up.

After watching me fall into the snow and mud on my way out to the car this morning, Andrew decided to forego his own face plant into the muck. It was NOT a good day for a skirt and suede boots. What the hell was I thinking? It was a REALLY bad day for my long white coat - which now must make a visit to the dry cleaners along with everything else I'm wearing this morning.

Drop Andrew off, get to the office. Both of my front tires are basically flat. Not sure how that happened on the 7 minute drive over from daycare.

Hadn't even taken my coat off before my secretary is in my office asking if I've seen the motion that came in in the middle of the night from our idiot adversary... you know, the one who missed the day they taught law in law school. I hate starting my day off with this moron. Especially because THE CASE IS OVER! She keeps writing and calling and emailing and nagging to try to get me to pay for stuff she agreed to pay for back in July. It's now almost February. It's time to give it up lady!

CAFFEINE! I'm in desperate need of coffee! Head into the kitchen, jump the coffee line because people were talking and not paying attention, put the little packet of coffee into the machine and wait. and wait. and wait. and i broke the freaking machine somehow. no coffee for me this morning. damn i'm tired!

Review a set of answers to interrogatories - the most poorly drafted answers I've ever seen. How can you honestly claim that you have no knowledge of whether you worked for your step-dad's company? Give me a break!

45 minutes on the phone with a client who is frustrated he has to sell his condo to pay my bills. Um...sorry? I didn't tell you to bring the case. But the bills would be cheaper if we didn't talk at least twice a week for an hour a pop.

Have to pick up cards over lunch. Can't show up at my ex's wedding this weekend without the obligatory envelope full of cash...

Try to get a gift for my friend's baby shower on Sunday. Buy her stroller. Struggle to get it out to the car. It won't fit in my trunk. It won't fit in my front seat. It won't fit in my back seat. I briefly contemplate trying the damn thing to my roof but realize very quickly: 1) I'm too short to get it up there; 2) the box weighs a ton; and 3) even if I could get the thing tied to my roof, I'd probably kill someone as it slid off while I was driving.

I had to return the stupid thing to the store 10 minutes after buying it. I have no gift for her - but hopefully she'll be too entertained with that story to notice...

So that is how my morning went.

Jealous?

No matter how bad you think your job is, it can always be worse...

My entire function today is to prep for a meeting we have with a client tomorrow. And what needs to be done to prepare for this meeting?

Glad you asked...

All I have to do is read our expert's last report. A 100 page report. On the design, construction and reconstruction of a wastewater treatment facility. Although it purports to be written in English, it might as well be written in ancient hiroglyphics! He uses words like "transmisivity" and talks about soil striations and infiltration/percolation ponds like they're the easiest concepts in the world to grasp. You can maybe wade through 7 pages an hour and after about 4 hours, your head wants to explode.

At this rate, it'll be spring before I'm done reading this thing! I know you're jealous.

Speaking of spring...other than "too many" - how many days til pitchers and catchers report?

courtroom blunders

Some of the Stupidest Things I've Seen and Heard in the Courtroom

Attorney: Judge, I have to win this motion!
Judge: Give me one good reason why I should rule in your favor.
Attorney: I really, really, really want to go back to my office and tell them I won my first case.

Attorney: Your Honor, my client is an idiot, but you can't hold that against him.
Judge: That's exactly what I'm going to do counsel. Did they really teach you that stupidity was a defense in law school?

Sheriff: That woman, the one holding hands with your client, isn't that the one who took out the restraining order against him?
Attorney: Yeah. She tried to revoke the restraining order this morning before court, but she forgot her license and she's strung out on heroin so they wouldn't let her.
Sheriff: Well, in that case...
(Sheriff proceeds to slap handcuffs on the client and read him his rights)
Attorney: WAIT! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! IT'S MY SECOND DAY! I CAN'T GO BACK TO THE OFFICE AND TELL THEM YOU ARRESTED MY CLIENT! OH CRAP! WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!

Judge: A golf cart is the same as a car? You're joking, right? Do you seriously think that's what the law says?
Attorney: Yeah... this isn't my argument judge. My partner made it. I don't necessarily agree with him.

Attorney: For the record judge, Webster's dictionary defines a mosh pit as a place where one goes to mosh.
Judge: Gee, counsel, that was a really helpful definition. Do I look so old that I need "mosh pit" defined for me?
Attorney: Oh, no Judge. You're not old at all. You're quite...
Judge: Let me stop you there before you get yourself into any more trouble. Not. One. More. Word.

Attorney: So they were taking Jello shots. Judge, do you know what that is?
Judge (rolling eyes): No clue. I've never heard of Jello.

Judge: Do you think I'm an idiot?
Attorney: Well...I wouldn't say you're an idiot, Judge...

Prosecutor: HEY! This isn't fair! I missed figure staking on the Olympics last night because i was prepping for this case. There better be a good excuse why the defendant couldn't be bothered to show up!
Judge: Why isn't your client here? Didn't you notify him of the trial date?
Me: We tried judge. We sent a letter to every address we have on file. But he's homeless, Your Honor.
Judge: That's no excuse. Call him and get him here now!
Me: Um... Homeless, Judge. No phone. How would you like me to reach him?
Judge: Oh. Yeah. I don't know.

Prosecutor trying to establish jurisdiction in a sexual assault case: And where did this crime occur?
Victim: Are you an idiot? Where did the crime occur? It happened RIGHT HERE! (pointing with both hands to her crotch)

ghosts, snakes and things that go bump in the night

How do you follow a post about sex, swingers, toys and porn? Talk about a tough act to follow!

Then I realized that I've written very little that's actually about me. Sure, you've heard about my job, my cases, my munchkin, my busted hot water heater. But what do you really know about me?

I think it's time to change that. So, here are a few random pages out of my diary - if, you know, i actually had one:



I had the strangest dream last night. I was back at my haunted apartment in Concord. After months of having stuff randomly disappear or be mysteriously moved - and pictures flying off the walls with incredible force - I SAW the ghost. Her black cat walked towards me in the mirror. As the cat walked past my leg, his tail wound around my knee. And I swear I felt the cat's tail brush against my leg in real life. Then, before I could run away, I saw the ghost standing right behind me - arm outstretched. Green eyes, flaming red hair, long billowing white dress, floating right behind me in the mirror. Her hand was a mere inch from my shoulder. And it suddenly became unbearably cold in the house.

Unlike what I really did that night, I didn't run out of the house and crash hubby's date. Instead, I headed downtown and drank myself silly in one of the bar's old jail cells... I mean, what else is a girl to do when she's terrified to go back to her house because of the ghost in the mirror? Alcohol and a big strong man to make her feel safe again. A perfect combination, don't you think?

But it makes me wonder what would have happened if I hadn't surprised them at the movies that night. (They did invite me, so I wasn't really crashing. Well, he invited me. She SO didn't want me there.) Oh, I'm sure they still would have screwed that night. But I wonder... Would I still have been in his head the whole time? Would I still have won out in the end? Would we all be happier if it worked out another way?

Speaking of wondering...I've decided why I'm not the biggest Facebook fan. Okay, sure, it's great that I get to talk to old friends again. And I love my silly pieces of flair and Mob Wars is a nice distraction. But it's too easy to find someone on there. And there are certain people I don't want to find me. Ever.

Well, one in particular. My ex. My stalker.

Has he been trying to find me? Does he know where I live? Where I work? Know where Andrew goes to school? I know I shouldn't think about it. It'll drive me crazy. But I'll always wonder if he's out there somewhere looking for me. Worry about what I'll do if he ever finds me again. What HE'D do if he ever found me... It's the stuff my nightmares are made of.

That snake.

Snakes. Why are my adversaries all snakes lately? I can't even bring myself to read the email that rolled in 2 minutes before close of business Friday. The nicest thing I can say about this particular adversary is she's an idiot. Why can't she understand the very simple facts of this case: she agreed to pay these invoices! We settled this case. Her client signed a release. The client accepted settlement funds. She signed a stip of dismissal with prejudice. The case cannot be more over. Except in her own mind - incompetent as it may be.

New subject. I won't let myself get worked up over these people. Again.

There are far better things to get worked up over. But for now, I think it's time to pour myself a big glass of wine and get back to work on this brief...

the expert

After awhile, the cases get routine. There's only so many times you can look at a rear end hit at a stop light where the plaintiff has a herniated L4-L5 disc with radiculopathy... Only so many times you can read about the family owned business that falls to pieces because 1 sibling screws over another because he wants more than his equal share of the company.

But every so often, a case comes along that's so new, so interesting. It brings back the excitement of being a lawyer. And that's where I come in.

I usually get the cases that no one wants...That's the problem (or the benefit) of being on this side of the letterhead. Though why people don't want these cases, I'm not sure.

I've fallen into the role of what you might call the adult entertainment expert.

We had a case where a town desperately wanted to find a way to get rid of the swingers club operating within its borders. I spent months reading up on this club, their parties, the rules of swinging ("attendance at a party is not consent to have sex with you" was rule 1) and reading the reviews of their parties (my favorite was naughty school girl night) for the past 4 years. Because single women are ALWAYS welcome at their events, I was all set to go undercover to the "ice cream sundae sunday social and toy party" when my dad called my boss and threatened to kill him if I went to the, um, event.

I've read every case that exists on the constitutionality of the right to swing. And I wrote the brief that was so compelling that the swingers moved to another town - one we don't represent - rather than fight me.

Enter the next case...the porn shop. It involved truly in-depth research into the various movies, magazines, toys and other articles they sell.

Most recently, enter the porn star. I'm sorry. Adult entertainment actress. (Does that really sound any better?) Try to make this case stick: a hostile work environment claim on the set of a porno! Sorry, can't get into more detail than that - I'll let your imaginations go wild... you're probably accurate with whatever you're thinking.

Oh yeah...this is my work. My little niche in the law. Just call me the expert.

Rambling

You ever have one of those days...

Where no matter what you do, it's just not right?

Where no matter how hard you explain something in every way you know how, the other person still doesn't get it?

Where no matter how thoroughly you researched the nonsensical question you were asked, there just isn't an answer?

Where from the minute your head left the pillow, you knew you just should have pulled up the covers and stayed in bed?

Yeah...me too.

Today's Post is Brought to You by the Letter "L"

*Just Jen* over at Because I Could Never Keep Up with a Diary is playing a fun little game with letters. You have to list your 10 favorite things that begin with the same letter that is assigned to you by the blog owner, in this case - *Just Jen*. I was assigned the letter "L". If you would like to play along, leave a comment telling me that you would like to play. If you ask nicely, I'll avoid giving you something horrible like "x."

So, in no particular order, some of my favorite things that start with the letter "L":

1. Little One

You knew my guy had to make it onto this list somehow... This is Andrew on the beach in Florida. He had a great time chasing sea gulls, swimming, running around and picking up girls. I'm in so much trouble! He's only 1 and already a total ladies man.

2. Literature

I love to read. I don't do enough of it because I spend most of my days sitting in front of a computer reading cases and by the time I get home, picking up a book is the last thing I want to do. But I'm addicted to to the Twilight series and read the first 2 books in 2 days.

3. Love

Predictable? Yup.
Obvious? Yup.
And true? Absolutely.

4. Lonestar

Oooh... I can almost hear Brad loudly voicing his absolute hatred for my taste in music. YOU don't have to like them. But I LOVE them.

5. Lattes

I'm partial to Dunkin Donuts, but let's face it. It's caffeine. Most days, I'm not too picky which company is supplying it.

6. Law

Yes, I bitch about my job and other members of my profession. (Who doesn't?) But I love it and can't imagine doing anything else.

7. Las Vegas Baby!

Need I say more?

8. London

This was the first trip I ever took with hubby while we were in law school. It was awesome, when we could manage to stay awake. We did the trip on the poor law student budget though. I'm dying to go back now that we actually have a few bucks in the bank. It was a little strange being in a foreign country where everyone spoke English...but far easier to communicate with the locals than when we went to Sweden.

9. Being LAZY!

I long for my couch potato moments, which are few and far between these days. Sometimes you just need those days where you hang out all day in your pajamas on the couch and don't go anywhere or do anything.

10: Lollipops

Okay, I just needed another "L" here. But I do like lollipops and I suppose they do the trick to satisfy the oral fixation...

Seriously?

I never ceases to amaze me how stupid people are...and the idiotic reasons people sue each other.

Like the McDonald's case. That case just makes me angry. If you're driving around with a coffee cup between your thighs, you're asking to be burned. I don't care that the coffee was "technically" too hot. The woman probably would have sued if the coffee was too cold. We have cup holders in cars for a reason. Try using one next time instead of your legs.

Anyway...

Last night I was listening to the news and heard about the doctor who was asking for his kidney back in his divorce. Did you hear this one? In 2001, the guy donated his kidney to his wife. A couple years later, she supposedly started having an affair and filed for divorce. Now the husband either wants his kidney back or $1.5 million.

Yeah, divorces get ugly. People who once loved each other get completely irrational over who gets to keep the china serving bowl they received as a wedding gift 20 years ago. But this is a bodily organ that's been inside this woman for the better part of a decade!

I don't know who is crazier, the guy demanding this or the attorney who's letting him...

Malls Still Suck

Now that the holidays are over, you'd think people would have calmed down a bit. There's no more frantic last second shopping. There's no need to tackle fellow shoppers over merchandise. And absolutely no excuse for the stupid woman I encountered at the mall over lunch.

The lawyer in me has to say that the Victoria's Secret Semi-Annual Sale is no more than a tort waiting to happen and an occasion which welcomes assault and battery.

These are the bras and panties no one wanted when they first came out people - that's why they're on sale for $3.99! But it's cheap and out of sheer morbid curiosity at what I would find, I went in.

Only I could find a $15 thong in a bin of $3 panties that would more appropriately be worn by my grandmother. I was then distracted by the most hideous pair of irredescent lemon-lime mesh cheekies I've ever seen. I held them in my hands, amazed that anyone ever thought another human being would find this monstrosity sexy, when a woman descended on me like a vulture. "THEY'RE MINE! I SAW THEM FIRST!" She proceeded to rip the panties from my hands and run away with them gleefully to the cashier.

That's when I knew it was time to leave...empty handed, of course, and as quickly as possible. The next time I start to head for the mall, someone stop me!

Bartender, I need a drink!

The doorbell rang at 8:30. I was afraid it was the neighbor telling me the drip had become a massive flood into their house from my busted heater. Instead it was a repair guy...Not the repair guy I hired, however. This was someone purportedly from the gas company, who told us in no uncertain terms that they did not have anyone available to come out to the house until Tuesday. That's why we didn't schedule an appointment with them and why I was more than a little creeped out that someone wearing a NJNG hat showed up.

I sent him away... and it took awhile to for the feelings of "something was just not right" to subside. Also during that time, I was afraid that I had misunderstood and sent away the wrong repair guy.

But two hours later, the right guy appeared, wearing the correct uniform and bearing the appropriate business card. He took one look at the water heater and let loose with a string of expletives like I've never heard before.

Not a good sign.

He spent the next hour and a half on the phone with his boss trying to find something - ANYTHING - that they could do for us. The heater is in a tiny little closet, pressed firmly against the wall and the furnace with a mere 1/4 inch of space in between. This wouldn't be as much of a problem if they made tanks the same size NOW that they did SEVENTEEN years ago. Because to put the same size tank in, we'd need to knock out a wall or remove our furance... neither are a very appealing option. Especially since the wall supports our stairs and, well, heat is kind of a necessity.

Oh, and did I mention all of our piping violates code? And that our ancient pipes are pushing 40 pounds more pressure than is technically safe because the damn pressure reducing valve also decided to rust away? That they have to disconnect all the gas and water mains into the house because the genius who constructed this place decided to place them right in front of the tank?

And now that they've figured out what kind of tank would work, they have to actually locate one. Apparently skinny, short midget tanks are not in hot demand.

After 3 hours, I have no heater, no hot water and have to take off again tomorrow for the stupid thing to be installed.

I can't wait to see what problems we have tomorrow... You know it won't go smoothly.

Now...where's that bartender with my drink? He better make it a double

Is it raining in your house?

Just wondering... 'Cause it's raining in mine.

Okay, maybe not rain. But in a rare streak of domestic diva-ness brought on by an almost complete lack of clean clothes, I broke down and did the laundry today. (Sometimes I hold out hoping that hubby will pick up the slack...but the need for something to wear to work tomorrow won out over my monumental stubbornness.) As the last load was going, I started to hear the trickle of water coming from somewhere.

Andrew was happily dancing to the tune of his favorite commerical and stopped suddenly as drops of water splashed his hands. I scooped him up mere seconds before a torential downpour of water fell through my ceiling.

The stupid hose shook loose from the washing machine and all the water had to go somewhere... Fortunately, it missed Andrew and the tv. But it's still seeping out of the ceiling. SEVEN HOURS LATER.

As if that weren't bad enough, a couple hours ago my neighbor came to the house. Although we're friendly with the neighbors, we don't typically make house calls. I was hoping the problem was on their end and not mine.

No such luck...

For some bizarre reason, they waited until TODAY to tell us that water had been leaking into their place from our shared wall since Tuesday. Our hot water heater decided to rust away and is slowly leaking its contents everywhere. We had no idea. Everything in the adjoining closet is ruined. And I have the destinct pleasure of missing work tomorrow so I can pay my entire bonus check to the plumber so he'll make an emergency trip out to the house to replace the hot water heater.

The joys of home ownership...

The last hazing ritual

You graduate from law school, spend a torturous summer furiously studying for the bar, sit through 2-3 grueling days taking the exam and then, finally, the envelope arrives. You get the good news and are sworn in. Now you are an attorney. And you can't help but feel a sense of pride and accomplishment as you think "FINALLY! I made it through the hazing. I'm part of the club now."

Not so fast bucko...Because in NJ, there's one last hazing ritual to suffer through. The pro bono assignment. Every county keeps a list of all the baby lawyers and when your name comes to the top of the list, watch out!

This letter comes without warning and strikes fear in the hearts of newbies all over the state. It comes without regard for what area you actually practice. And it's really an open invitation to commit malpractice.

My letter arrived just 3 short months after I started my job.

Picture this: She sat quietly, respectfully through the mass. Then it came time for the blessing of the sacriments. She rose from her seat in the back of the chapel and walked calmly to the altar. Arriving at the end of the long aisle, she turned her back on the priest and began conducting her own rendition of the ceremony. She spoke to the congregation not in English and not in her native tongue of Portuguese but in the true language of the prophets - the language of the body. She was a prophet and it was her divine mission to spread the Holy Light of Truth to the masses.
The churches didn't understand this was her holy calling and obviously didn't approve of her disrespect for the priests and the sanctity of the most imporant moment of the mass. Three churches in three separate towns took out restraining orders. And an entire TOWN got together to jointly bar her from entering any of its religious institutions.

She was charged with a couple counts of violating the restraining orders, disturbing a public meeting and resisting arrest.

This was my client. Her municipal appeal was my responsibility. My challenge.

Most pro bono assignments last a couple weeks. This one lasted forever. The representation was made more complicated by the language barrier - she barely spoke English and I don't speak a word of anything resembling her language. Every day for three months, I cursed myself for studying French through college...

But I wrote a killer brief. The oral argument was going to be a slam dunk. I had found the perfect arguments to get my client off. And I was in front of a great judge, one who I assisted greatly when he came on the bench and I was still a law clerk. He wasn't the type of man to forget those who helped him...

And then just before the hearing, she tried to fire me. It was too late in a criminal case for me to be relieved as counsel. I knew it. The judge knew it.

But he heard from her for some of the longest 45 minutes of my life. She ranted nonsensically without the assistance of her translator. She cursed me for not requesting a change of venue to the Tribunal of God. For not subpoenaing the Pope and all his bishops to testify at a hearing where no testimony was permitted. For not obtaining transcripts which didn't exist.

The judge found her utterly incompetent to handle her own defense. She tried to tell him she was totally sane and had the doctors' certifications to prove it. He explicitly stated his finding that I had done an excellent job on the brief and in representing her. He said all the right things... but the damage was done.

He actually was buying my arguments. I had all the right answers to his questions. But you don't attack one of his protected attorneys and get away unscathed. The conviction was upheld. Her sentence was imposed.

As I turned to leave the courtroom, I saw the galley was full. Every high powered, high priced criminal defense attorney in the county was there. I saw the smiles as they tried not to laugh, reliving their own hazing incidents while watching my own.

It was finally over. The last hazing ritual complete with the requisite loss. The cases were all losers. That's why they landed on our desks.

I suppose I should be thankful. This case cured me of any delusions of wanting to be a criminal attorney. And now if another letter comes, I'm high enough up on the letterhead to pass this honor onto another associate...

Blog Love

Thanks to Siren at Idiot Girl in Action for this award. And although I like her and jello, I appreciate her expressing her love in this non-bikini clad jello wrestling way :)

It is now my pleasure to pass this award on to other blogs I love and that help to distract me from meeting my billable hour requirements each month:

Bee's Musings
Rambling Thoughts of the Neverending Mind
Just a Girl
Big Things...Small County
Yet Another Day in Paradise
Somewhere in the City
Diaries of the Professor

WHAT were they thinking?

I'll admit I'm not the biggest beer fan. Granted, in college I rarely missed a Drinkin' with Lincoln night at the Station or dollar buds at the Fe - but how can you really pass up getting drunk for that cheap? These days if I'm going to drink, I'd rather have something that actually tastes good...

I was at Busch Gardens a couple days ago and after a couple free beers at the hospitality center, we stopped by the Brewmaster's Club for some more. One of the last beers they had at the tasting was Chelada...

Bud Light and Clamato juice?

What genius thought "let me take the most disgusting drink possible and combine it with beer"?

The concept is more than a little scary and the taste, um, I suppose if you like clam, tomato and Bud it's not horrible. Otherwise, it tastes as bad as it sounds!