Trust Me, I'm a Lawyer

It's no secret what I do for a living.  And that subjects me to being the butt of a large number of jokes.  Some are funny. Some aren't. 

Right after law school, I remember one of my friends was walking around DC in grubby jeans and her "Trust Me, I'm a Lawyer" t-shirt when she got a call for a job interview.  She had to show up in half an hour or they were going to give the job to someone else.  So she showed up, in that shirt, for the interview.  (She didn't get the job)

In my personal life, I don't trust people all that freely.  For some reason, professionally, I trust people until they burn me. It probably should be the other way around, but this is me - for better or worse.

I'm very straightforward and honest with people.  If I tell you I have $45,000 to settle a case - that's what I have.  I didn't really have 80 grand.  I don't want to waste my time doing the dance until we meet in the middle.  My time is worth more to me than that.  45 means 45.  (typically within a couple grand or so) 

My word is all I've got.  I'm very conscious of that in my dealings with other people.  Even more so now that everything I do is an even larger reflection on the firm since I share the same last name as the managing partner...

So it REALLY pisses me off when I deal with people who take advantage of me and the way I operate.

I had a trial today in a case which never should have gotten to this point.  And opposing counsel burned me twice in the past 72 hours.  It took a lot of self control to actually shake his hand, as opposed to punching him in the face, when he introduced himself this morning. 

"Let's talk about this case," he said.

Sure...

"I don't understand why you won't settle with me." he continues.

Because you rejected my settlement proposal and never bothered to make me a counteroffer? I told you to come back at me with something your guy would go for... I'm still waiting.

"Well you're being so unreasonable."

I'm the unreasonable one? Go back and re-read your client's answers to our discovery demands. They've admitted to every single fact in the joint statement I sent you yesterday.  You're now trying to claim they don't admit signing documents they've authenticated. You didn't even agree to the address of the house where your client lives!


The judge made it clear he wanted us to talk about trying to settle the case.  Except this jerk wouldn't let me get a full sentence out without cutting me off or talking over me.  Maybe it's because I'm a woman. Maybe it's because I look young.  Or maybe he's just an asshole.  But still, shut the fuck up and let me talk.  I listened to you ramble incoherently, now it's my turn!  And yet, while I was still trying to figure out what settlement position he wanted me to convey, he threw his hand up in my face (one of my BIGGEST pet peeves) and told me to go away, he's made his offer, I better go convey it to my client.

Do you work hard to be this obnoxious? Or does it just come naturally?

Yes, I actually said that to him.  He got me to the point where the sensor between what I think and what I say - one which very much stays intact when I speak to annoying asshole adversaries - just vanished.  

It's guys like this who give the rest of us attorneys a bad name.   

HE is the reason why 500 lawyers on the bottom of the ocean "is a good start."  
HE is why Jersey has all the chemical plants and toxic waste dumps (California has all the lawyers cause Jersey got first choice).
Trust me I'm a lawyer?   Not this fucking guy...


And do you know how pissed I am that I'm still thinking about how much of a prick this guy is? That I let him piss me off so much that I lost it in the hallway of the courthouse?

So I'm going to comfort myself with the fact that I got a good result from my client today.  That he'll never pull one over on me again. 

And if that doesn't work, I'm going to have a few drinks...