malls suck

I'm missing whatever girly girl gene is supposed to make me start planning every detail of my future wedding by age 5 and name all of my future children by 7. If makeup weren't part of the required uniform, I'd never wear it. And I really hate shopping.

I try to avoid the mall whenever possible. The teenie boppers annoy me. The people working at the kiosks need to stop trying to sell hair straighteners, fake hair and "as seen on tv" products. And the people with the horrible smelling perfumes - wouldn't the world be a better place without these women spritzing obnoxious odors in your face? As a rule, I don't go anywhere near the mall the entire month of December.

Except this year...

With everything that's happened the past 2 months, I ran out of time to do my shopping. Online purchases will no longer reach me by tomorrow when the family is getting together to exchange gifts... I had to brave the mall.

So I headed out and began cursing my procrastination immediately upon entering the parking lot. There wasn't a single spot anywhere. Even across the street at the typically empty Dick's Sporting Goods. After circling the mall, hunting poor shoppers and stalking them to their parking spaces for 20 minutes, I broke down and attempted to valet my car. $8 to park your car at the damn mall is outrageous. I would have paid it - but they were full. I had to park down the hill and take a freaking BUS to the stores.

The mall was full of last minute shoppers. Don't these people have to work????

I fought my way through the crowds to the Children's Place. Honestly, I just needed some socks. But one look at the line wrapped half way out the door, I knew I couldn't wait 25 minutes for socks. I quickly scanned the store to see if anything truly unnecessary caught my eye. I scooped up a couple outfits and waited impatiently to make my way to the front of the line. As I stood there, 5 women attempted to cut in front of me ("oh! I didn't realize you were on line") and 3 people slammed into me then yelled at ME for getting in their way.

Thirty minutes later, I was off to the toy store to find birthday presents for my boy. Poor kid has his birthday Christmas Eve so even at age 1, he can't be screwed by not getting enough stuff for either the holidays or his birthday. Our mall has a Kaybee toys - which is going out of business - so the place was mobbed! I actually had a woman stomp on my foot and grab an "Elmo Live" doll out of my hands.

Only the fear of calling my boss from jail to come bail me out kept me from punching that cow.

My head was throbbing from listening to the blaring Christmas music. I was hobbling through the stores after being stomped on. And I still didn't find anything I needed.

I left the mall totally defeated and virtually empty handed.

Bah humbug!