you've been served

Being a lawyer isn't all "Law and Order" type excitement. Most days, it's really quite mundane. Hour after hour pouring over stacks of cases trying to find the one that will actually help your client's position. Sitting around forever in court waiting for your case to be called, only to learn that the judge doesn't want to hear any argument - he already made up his mind and just called you in to read his decision to you.

As more and more people get added to the letterhead below you, you can pass off some of the more horrible assignments. But until you get a few associates under you who aren't related to the managing partner, the truly choice assignments are all yours.

Like process serving.

I really can't think of a worse task. Yes, it's necessary. But this is one of the things I'd just rather pay someone to do for me...

First and foremost, it's dangerous. No one likes to be served. There's a reason most process servers carry a gun... Hubby had to serve someone in jail last year. She was in for murder. Hubby tried to laugh off my paranoia, and his own, by saying "I'm totally safe. She's only violent toward her husband. He's dead now. No worries!"

Second, I have NO sense of direction. Seriously. I don't know how I got around before GPS. But sometimes it's not my fault. I had to serve someone who lived on a street that didn't exist on any map or any street sign. Apparently the residents didn't take kindly to my car with its out of state plates slowly cruising their neighborhood, staring at every house...for 45 minutes. Eventually, a very nice police officer directed me to the right house after questioning me EXTENSIVELY about what business I had there and calling my boss to verify that I was who I said I was.

But serving people can also just be completely creepy.

I had to serve a tenant we were trying to evict because they were so dirty, it created a health and safety violation. I made the mistake of volunteering for the assignment so I could leave early for the day. I drove up to the house, a little place in the woods near the lake.

I should have run in the other direction upon seeing the formerly white bathtub in the front yard full of broken beer bottles.

Undeterred, I made my way up the front walk, stepping over a curiously large number of dolls. Barbies. All missing body parts.

I reached the front door and rang the bell. No answer. I rang again. Still no response.

I peeked in the window, no easy feat since it was covered in dirt 3 inches thick. The interior of the house looked like a tornado went through it. There were dirty dishes piled up all over the kitchen. The stench of rotting garbage coming from the house was overwhelming.

I was glad I didn't need to meet the lovely folks who resided in this dump. They allowed service by affixing the complaint to the house. I reached into my purse and pulled out a box of thumb tacks.

I looked at the door, trying to find the best place to post my notice. I thought I was losing it because the door appeared to be moving.

Yeah...it wasn't the door, but the thousands of spiders that literally covered every square inch of the house. I jumped back so far and so fast that I toppled off the porch into the bushes. I screamed bloody murder as the biggest spider I've ever seen scuttled across my bare leg.

After brushing myself off furiously, I again approached the house. I held the summons out to the house and watched as it was swarmed by daddy longlegs. Spiders were trying to crawl up my hands and arms. I literally had to wait for a break in the swarm so I could throw a tack into the page and afix the stupid thing to the house.

Success! Forget the second tack - I was out of there.

I leaped from the porch, flicking spiders off my arms and legs as I sprinted for the car. My hands were shaking so hard I couldn't even dial the phone to tell my office they had been served. I rushed home, eager to strip off my clothes in case any stray spiders had lingered and take the hottest shower my skin could tolerate.

And that is why I will never again serve anyone...and why I have a total fear of spiders