The Problem with Holiday Gift Buying

Thanksgiving barely gets any attention these days. Halloween ends and the next day "Jingle Bells" is blaring from every radio station and the malls are decked out in full Christmas mode two months early.

I have no problem with Christmas. Just because it's not my holiday, I don't begrudge the rest of you your celebration. For many of you, I know this is your favorite time of year. But come on! Why do I have to be tormented with nothing but lousy Christmas music for months on end?

Not just that... Malls become dangerous places. I hate malls to begin with. But I am not about to take my life into my own hands just to fight some stupid woman for the last Tickle Me Elmo in the store. Nor do I have any interest in mowing down a little old lady just to buy my husband a Blu-Ray DVD player.

I like to try to find the perfect gift for everyone on my list. My problem with buying gifts, other than a total lack of time, is that I lack the knowledge find hubby the perfect techy gift and my sister the right girly girl present... Sure, I know generally what they'd like. But if I went to the store and tried to buy hubby a new tuner, for example, I'd come home with whatever the store told me was a really good one (read: probably the most expensive in the store) and it wouldn't be the one he wanted. And then we'd have to deal with the annoyance of the malls right AFTER the holidays to return what I bought for him.

So...I thought that I'd run down some other problems with holiday gift buying. Yeah, I'm sure there's a lesson in my ramblings here somewhere.



Jewelery. I am already sick to death of all the damn Zales and Kay and other commercials proclaiming that the PERFECT gift is a diamond.

Let me begin by professing my total bias. Grandpa is a jeweler. And when you have a family member "in the business," you don't buy retail. Ever. He made just about every piece that I wear and quite a few that I can no longer squeeze my fingers in to.

So... lesson number 1. If your significant other has family in this business, go to them. Don't hit the mall to buy her something sparkly. And while we're on the subject, if you do venture into the diamond district, bring cash and be prepared to haggle.

But for something that might be a little more relevant... there are some strong preferences when it comes to the shiny and sparkly. I, for example, hate pearls. They're too grandma for me. I tried to talk a friend out of buying his girlfriend of 3 months a pearl necklace (get your damn minds out of the gutter)... He wouldn't listen and she hated it. Some girls don't care. Some do...


Okay, so jewelery is out. Who doesn't like a nice box of chocolates? I mean, Godiva comes in a lovely gold box with a green and red bow for Christmas and a blue and white one for Hanukkah. Some have cute little ornaments or dreidels on top.

Except if your woman is on a diet, or even remotely hinting that she doesn't love the way she looks, SKIP THE CHOCOLATES! Yes, it's the easy gift. But if you think she's bitching about the size of her ass now, just wait until you have contributed to the typical holiday weight gain of 10-15 pounds. Do you want that on your head? Or filling your ears?

I didn't think so... Moving on...


Perfume. Not a bad gift, but difficult to do right. It's easy if you know exactly what scent she wears and she's running low. Otherwise, you might as well skip right over this one.

I worked in Bath and Bodyworks for a whopping 3 days. I tried to help a guy buy a present for his wife. When I asked him the obvious, he had no idea what she liked - but didn't want to ask her because this was supposed to be a surprise. I spent literally an hour with this man, who unfortunately knew better than to have me spray stuff on the test strips I carried in my apron. "It smells different on the body."

Absolutely true - but damn it - I had different scents sprayed all up and down both arms and both sides of my neck by the time we were done. The perfumes were nauseating when combined together. I couldn't wait to get off shift and take a freaking shower. But, despite my best efforts and losing out on the commissions for all the easier sales, he still couldn't figure out what to get her. He finally conceded defeat and called his woman, who wanted the first scent we had tried out. (Are you surprised I only lasted 3 days in retail???)


Let's be honest, shall we? If you're buying lingerie, you're buying it for YOU - not HER. But it is still her body this is going on. Try to keep that in mind. No matter how much she loves you, if crotchless panties aren't her thing, they ain't going on her bod.

You have to buy the right size. No, you can't ask. You should know these things. And if you don't, be careful if you raid her drawers. Most women have bras and panties in there that are the completely wrong size.

Don't go too small. She'll be pissed that: 1) You don't know the right size. 2) She can't even hope to squeeze herself into whatever you picked out. 3) She USED TO BE that size and can't even remember the last time she fit into a 36B.

Don't go too big. She'll be equally as pissed that you don't know the right size and can't fill out the truly lovely piece of lace you want her to prance around in. Oh. And you're fucked if you THINK she wears something 4 sizes larger than she really is. You can hear it now, can't you... "Do you really think I wear a 42DD? DO YOU THINK I'M THAT HUGE????" Or even better, you'll get the "my chest isn't big enough for you?"

Chances are, you've probably seen her dancing around in a teddy or a slip or something before. That's most likely the stuff she actually likes. If she's the pink filmy chiffon kind of girl, the leather bondage get up probably isn't going to go over well and vice versa.

But, like I said in the beginning. This isn't a present about her. It's about you. Just remember: get the size right boys.


Gag gifts?

They have their time and place. But choose your gifts carefully. I, for one, do not find anything poop-related funny. Save your money.
Matty thinks I should get him a shiny new car for Christmas. In return, he's going to get me this loveliness... The new Betty Crocker bake set.

*Sigh*

Okay... #1 - house stuff is not a present, unless she specifically asks for it.

#2 - if she doesn't cook or bake, BUYING her cookware is not going to turn her into Betty freaking Crocker.

#3 - If she's buying you a car, you are NOT buying her bakewear.

Now... If anyone wants some ideas about what I'd like to find wrapped up for me for the holidays...

Yummy.