The last hazing ritual

You graduate from law school, spend a torturous summer furiously studying for the bar, sit through 2-3 grueling days taking the exam and then, finally, the envelope arrives. You get the good news and are sworn in. Now you are an attorney. And you can't help but feel a sense of pride and accomplishment as you think "FINALLY! I made it through the hazing. I'm part of the club now."

Not so fast bucko...Because in NJ, there's one last hazing ritual to suffer through. The pro bono assignment. Every county keeps a list of all the baby lawyers and when your name comes to the top of the list, watch out!

This letter comes without warning and strikes fear in the hearts of newbies all over the state. It comes without regard for what area you actually practice. And it's really an open invitation to commit malpractice.

My letter arrived just 3 short months after I started my job.

Picture this: She sat quietly, respectfully through the mass. Then it came time for the blessing of the sacriments. She rose from her seat in the back of the chapel and walked calmly to the altar. Arriving at the end of the long aisle, she turned her back on the priest and began conducting her own rendition of the ceremony. She spoke to the congregation not in English and not in her native tongue of Portuguese but in the true language of the prophets - the language of the body. She was a prophet and it was her divine mission to spread the Holy Light of Truth to the masses.
The churches didn't understand this was her holy calling and obviously didn't approve of her disrespect for the priests and the sanctity of the most imporant moment of the mass. Three churches in three separate towns took out restraining orders. And an entire TOWN got together to jointly bar her from entering any of its religious institutions.

She was charged with a couple counts of violating the restraining orders, disturbing a public meeting and resisting arrest.

This was my client. Her municipal appeal was my responsibility. My challenge.

Most pro bono assignments last a couple weeks. This one lasted forever. The representation was made more complicated by the language barrier - she barely spoke English and I don't speak a word of anything resembling her language. Every day for three months, I cursed myself for studying French through college...

But I wrote a killer brief. The oral argument was going to be a slam dunk. I had found the perfect arguments to get my client off. And I was in front of a great judge, one who I assisted greatly when he came on the bench and I was still a law clerk. He wasn't the type of man to forget those who helped him...

And then just before the hearing, she tried to fire me. It was too late in a criminal case for me to be relieved as counsel. I knew it. The judge knew it.

But he heard from her for some of the longest 45 minutes of my life. She ranted nonsensically without the assistance of her translator. She cursed me for not requesting a change of venue to the Tribunal of God. For not subpoenaing the Pope and all his bishops to testify at a hearing where no testimony was permitted. For not obtaining transcripts which didn't exist.

The judge found her utterly incompetent to handle her own defense. She tried to tell him she was totally sane and had the doctors' certifications to prove it. He explicitly stated his finding that I had done an excellent job on the brief and in representing her. He said all the right things... but the damage was done.

He actually was buying my arguments. I had all the right answers to his questions. But you don't attack one of his protected attorneys and get away unscathed. The conviction was upheld. Her sentence was imposed.

As I turned to leave the courtroom, I saw the galley was full. Every high powered, high priced criminal defense attorney in the county was there. I saw the smiles as they tried not to laugh, reliving their own hazing incidents while watching my own.

It was finally over. The last hazing ritual complete with the requisite loss. The cases were all losers. That's why they landed on our desks.

I suppose I should be thankful. This case cured me of any delusions of wanting to be a criminal attorney. And now if another letter comes, I'm high enough up on the letterhead to pass this honor onto another associate...