Take Me Out to the Ball Game

If you're going to head to the big baseball mall in the Bronx known as the new Yankee Stadium, there are a few guidelines you should observe:

#1 - The dress code

You see these hideous things on the right? SPANDEX went out with the 80s and is a trend you should not be seeking to resume! Spandex is only appropriate in the gym and only if you have a rocking hot body. If you are NOT in the gym and have cellulite on your thighs, you should not be wearing spandex. Get it? Got it? GOOD!

While we're on the subject of dresses...The little black dress? Great for dates. But if your date is taking you to the ball park, the sexy little black dress and your grandma's pearls are a bit much for the Bronx.

Coming directly from work? Leave the suit jacket and tie in the car or at the office. We're a jeans and t-shirt type of crowd, folks. If you can't deal with that, go visit the yuppies at the Cell and pretend that the White Sox play real ball.

#2 - The Players

It is your sacred duty to get on the case of all players (yes, even our boys in pinstripes) who rake in millions of dollars and don't come through in the clutch. I don't care if you think he's hot. A-rod is a freaking dog. Your job is to bark at him, call him a dog and yell at him that he needs more Tic-Tacs. (Or other similar insults) Boo the pitchers who can't go deeper than the 3rd inning. Definitely - DEFINITELY - dog the players who tank easy plays. And when the Red Sox are in town, your primary task is to harass the hell out of Ortiz.

#3 - Respect the local wild life

In the old stadium, they wouldn't serve liquor to the bleacher creatures. There was good reason for this. These guys are insane. They relish the fact that more fights occurred in Section 39 than anywhere else in the entire Stadium. They'll beat the crap out of you if you aren't cheering loud enough. And, if you sit in the bleachers, you must insult all people who sit in box seats.

In my section, the local wild life consists of vomit woman and her husband. They're every bit as scary as the bleacher creatures and every bit as loud. We've been co-existing with this couple for over 12 years now. So we understand that when they start screaming at each other, you cover your face with your scorecard and try not to laugh. You run an over-under on how many times he'll yell "Crush that rock" or "Let's turn two!" during the course of any given game. But you know better than to call security about these guys. They're fixtures. Don't like it? You don't have to come to these games.


#4 - Eat, Drink and Hit the ATM Before You Come

The Stadium ain't cheap. You just about need to take out a second mortgage to bring your family there for the afternoon. But you know this going in, don't you? Don't bitch that it costs $10 for a bottle of Bud. And don't order a triple martini from the bar unless you have an extra $55 bucks to spare.

Scout out the vendors who sell the foot long dogs. They cost 50 cents more and are twice the size. I know it's sacrilege, but skip the Cracker Jack and spring for the kettle korn.

Oh...and the drunken frat boys? You don't get to escape them...even this many years out of college. But don't worry. Last call is in the 7th inning.

#5 - Sit Back, Relax and Enjoy the Ride

If you remember these simple rules, you'll enjoy your time at our little slice of Vegas in the Bronx.


Up next time... Top 10 Reasons Citi Field Sucks (Oh. You read that right, my dear Met fans. Go ahead. Hit me with your best shot!)