Oops, I did it again.

Come clean - how many of you were singing Britney Spears after seeing the title of this post? Confess! I know I'm not the only one!

Hold on. I know I had a real point here somewhere.

You may remember the post where I talked about the stupid things lawyers say and do. Well, this week I should win the award for saying the stupidest things. It's only Wednesday. I'm afraid of what might come out of my mouth next...

Exhibit A: I was taking a deposition on Monday. The homeowner claimed that someone vandalized his sewer lateral line. How did he discover the damage? There was backup into the sink and shower. What did he do to investigate? He went outside with a flashlight and shone the light down into the sewer and he saw this big stick. Here's my shining moment of deposition brilliance:

Me: So describe it for me. How big was this stick of yours?
Him: (jaw drops a little and stares at me incredulously) Um...
Me: (light bulb goes on over my head as I realize what I said) Mr. X get your mind out of the gutter!
Him: I can't help it! This whole case is about a gutter!

*sigh* That'll make for a great transcript.

Exhibit B: I went to lunch with two other attorneys from my office at the local sushi restaurant. Andi walked back into the office carrying her chopsticks. (To completely understand this story, you have to know that Andi is black)

Me: Seriously? What the hell are you doing with those?
Her: Well, I had such a good time at lunch, I wanted a memento.
Me: You need to get out more, dear.
Her: WHAT? I needed a toy?
Me: Oh, hon. That's your toy? We need to get you something a bit better for your little black box.
Her: My...little...black...box...
Me: OH SHIT! I meant your little black box! Not your little black box! I'm going to go hide in my office now and forget this conversation ever happened.

I really did mean the box of toys that we all keep under our beds. Oh, come on. You have one too. Um...Don't you?

And finally, Exhibit C:

At lunch, Andi comes out of nowhere with "Oh! Did you hear about this new thing that people are doing..."
Me: Yup. It's called sexting. And I don't think it's all that new.
Jen: WHAT is that?
Andi: These kids are taking naked pics of themselves and texting them to people.
Me: And they're getting caught with the images on their phone and being arrested for distribution or possession of kiddie porn.
(Woman at the next table over stares at me bug eyed and starts whispering about the fact that I said "kiddie porn" in public. Has this become a new taboo phrase? It's not like I yelled it or anything)
Jen: How do you know all this?
Me: It's been on the news. Do you not watch tv?
Andi: I would NEVER! There's never going to be any proof that this body was naked.
Me: Well, if the urge ever strikes, you could always just not include your face in the image. That's not really the point of the pics anyway.
Jen: Wait a minute!
Andi: Exactly how many of these pictures of you are there floating around out there.

Okay...so I really walked right into that one. It's one of those weeks where I just can't say anything right. I'm afraid of what I might say next.